Christmas Jokes

What would you get if you crossed Santa with a giraffe?
Saint Neck!

Why does Mrs. Claus love the Christmas season?
It makes her feel so Santa-mental.

What does Santa spend all his money on?
Jingle bills!

What do you get when you deep fry Santa?
Crisp Cringle.

Why did Santa go to music school?
To improve his wrapping skills!

How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What did the gingerbread man say at his job interview?
I just really feel like I’m cut out for this position.

What do you call Santa when he loses his underwear?
Saint Knickerless!

Why is Congress like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there!

What's the best Christmas present?
A broken drum - you just can't beat it!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Kanye.
Kanye who?
Kanye help me untangle me Christmas lights?

What do you call an elf that sings?
A wrapper.

Have you heard the joke about Christmas wrapping paper?
Nevermind, it’s tear-able.

Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
He needed a trim!

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fungi to be with!

What do you call an art museum that’s made of snow?
The Ig-Louvre!

What did the doctor say when the gingerbread man sprained his leg?
Try icing it.

Why do dinosaurs hide from Santa’s reindeer?
They’re afraid of Comet!

What did the storm cloud get for Christmas?
Thunder-wear!

What do you call a muscular snowman?
Jacked Frost!

Why didn’t the beluga make it to Christmas dinner?
It didn’t feel too whale.

How did the ornament know that she was addicted to Christmas?
She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

What's the worst place to get your dog a Christmas present?
The flea market!

Why do reindeer wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause!

What do you call a messy reindeer?
A stain-deer!

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
I've got a present fir you!

What do grizzly bears drape on their Christmas trees?
Grr-land!

What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball!

What do you call a really quiet armed crusader?
A Silent Knight!

What is a monkey’s favorite Christmas song?
Jungle Bells!

How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
His wife was a total flake.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got for Christmas?
He could sense his presents.

How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out?
They spruce up!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
“I’ll never part with it!”

What do elves use to get to the top floor of Santa’s workshop?
The elf-evator.

What did the mistletoe do when it went on a long holiday?
It took a leaf of absence.

What happens to Christmas trees on Valentine’s Day?
They get all sappy.

What did the Christmas tree say when it could not solve the math problem?
I’m stumped.

What does Jack Frost like about school?
Snow and tell.

What did the octopus get for Christmas?
Four pairs of socks!

Where does Santa Claus swim?
The North Pool

What kind of money do they use at the north pole?
Cold, hard cash!

What operating system do advent calendars use?
Windows 24.

What game did the tornado get for Christmas?
Twister!

Why did the eggnog go to school?
To get egg-u-cated!

Where do cows pick out their Christmas presents?
In a cattle-og!

Why don’t snowmen like carrot cake?
It tastes like boogers!

What happened when the snowman got angry?
He had a meltdown!

What did the ocean say when Santa flew over it?
Nothing. It just waved.

Why shouldn't you lend money to elves?
They're always short.

Knock, knock! Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow Who?
Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas!

What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed?
He started his own branch!

How fast did the Grinch’s sleigh go?
Max speed!

Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist?
He didn’t believe in himself!

How does Frosty the Snowman get online?
He uses the winter-net!

What was Santa’s favorite subject in school?
Chemis-tree

Why is Santa so easy to track online?
Because he always accepts cookies!

What do clams do for Christmas?
They shell-e-brate!

What do you call a wreath of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins!

What should you do if your car breaks down on Christmas Eve?
Get a Mistle-tow

How does a snow-woman break up with a snowman?
She gives him the cold shoulder.

Why couldn’t the pony go Christmas caroling?
It was a little horse.

Why did the Christmas cookie go to the doctor?
He felt crummy.

What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story?
The Finch Who Stole Christmas

What do you call an old snowman?
Water!

What’s an elf’s favorite sport?
Miniature golf.

What sings “White Christmas” then explodes?
Bang Crosby!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Honda.
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas...

What kind of drink does Santa give to naughty girls and boys?
Coal-a!

What did the farmer get for Christmas?
A cow-culator!

What’s red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus in an elevator.

What happened to the thief who stole an Advent calendar?
He got 25 days.

Q:When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!

Which dinosaur wrapped presents the fastest?
The veloci-wrapper!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints!

What do you call it when you pass down a Christmas turkey recipe?
Copy and basting!

How does Santa keep his bathroom sparkling clean?
He uses Comet!

What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jolly!

What do doctors give gingerbread people when they sprain their ankles?
Candy canes!

How do Angels greet each other?
Halo!

Why do reindeer fly?
Because they can’t drive.

What is a duck’s favorite Christmas show?
The Nut-quacker!

What is a librarian's favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night!

What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school?
Present!

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.

Where do you buy a Christmas gift for your pig?
Hamazon!

What happens to elves when they misbehave?
Santa gives them the sack!

What do gingerbread men use to trim their fingernails?
Cookie cutters!

What do you call an insect who sings Christmas carols?
A hum-bug!

What has forty feet and sings?
Twenty Christmas carolers!

What do you say when you give someone a lot of spices for Christmas?
Seasonings Greetings!

What do you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy!

How does the Tooth Fairy get to the North Pole?
She takes the Molar Express!

Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down?
The Abominable Towman.

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

Why did Santa go to the Podiatrist?
Because he had mistletoe.

What is Santa’s favorite kind of potato chip?
Crisp Pringles!

What do you call a snowman with no arms or legs?
A snowball

Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
Because it would say, “Baaaaahh humbug!”

Why did the snowman turn yellow?
I don’t know, but ask the little dog over there.

Why is a candy cane a good collector's item?
It's always in mint condition.

What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren

What is a vegan's favorite Christmas carol?
Soy to the World

What comes at the end of the Christmas Season?
The letter "n"!

What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread?
Loaf Actually.

What does Santa eat for breakfast on Christmas Morning?
Mistle-toast.

Where does Santa store his suit?
In his Claus-et.

Do snow globes ever get scared?
No, just shaken up

Why does The Grinch enjoy gardening?
He's got a green thumb.

What do you call a blind reindeer?
‘no eye deer

What do fish sing during the holidays?
Christmas corals

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus.

How do you know that Santa is good at karate?
Because he has a black belt.

Why do Donner and Blitzen get to take so many coffee breaks?
Because they are Santa's star bucks!

What's red, white, and green?
Santa Claus when he's airsick!

Where does Santa always stay when he goes on any vacation?
At the ho-ho-ho-tel

What does Santa do when the reindeer drive too fast?
He holds on for deer life.

What did the elf get when he crossed a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna Who?
Anna Partridge in a pear tree...

What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive Who?
Olive Christmas, don't you?

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calendeer (or he just nose).

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey know how long it is until Christmas?

What did the christmas tree do after his bank closed?
He started his own branch.

What do grapes sing at Christmas?
Tis the season to be jelly.

What is Santa's favorite kind of candy?
Jolly Ranchers

How did the two rival Christmas trees get along?
They signed a peace tree-ty.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow time to waste, it's almost Christmas!
Who's there?

Why can't you get any spare change from Santa Claus?
Because he's St. Nickel-less

What do you call an elf who's run away from the North Pole?
A rebel without a Claus

What reindeer game to reindeer play at sleepovers?
Truth or Deer

Why does Santa use GPS?
He doesn't want to be a lost Claus

What did the big candle say to the little candles?
I'm going out tonight.

Where do little trees go to become Christmas trees?
Elementree school

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
Because he had no body to go with.

What do you call someone who can't stop talking about last Christmas?
A Santa-mental

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
Abdominal snowman

What does an elf work on after school?
His gnome-work

Where do elves go to vote?
The North Poll

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen?
U-tinsels

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
"Wait, there's myrrh!"

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

How does Santa remember all the fireplaces he has visited?
He keeps a log.

What is the best Christmas gift for the person who already has everything?
A burglar alarm

What laundry detergent does Santa Claus use?
Yule Tide

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

What is the Grinch's least favorite band?
The Who

Why does Santa always enter a home through the chimney?
Because it soots him.

Why don't crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they're shelfish.

How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He has hooked on trees his whole life.

What goes, "Oh, oh, oh"?
Santa Claus walking backwards.

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Brrrrr-itos.

What do you call a reindeer who can't see?
No eyed deer

What is Santa Claus's favorite track and field event?
North Pole vaulting

Why are Santa's deer always wet?
Because they're rain-deer

Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen

What do you call a bacon wrapped Christmas tree?
A pork-u-pine

Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. One might say he's an elf-made man.

What do you call a scary looking reindeer?
A cari-boo

What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo?
An eski-moo

Why don't you ever see Santa in the hospital?
Because he has private elf-care.

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas?
They use Santa-tizer.

Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole?
No well.

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

Why did Rudolph get in trouble for his report card?
Because he went down in history.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsel-itis

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece navidad

What did one snowman say to the other?
"Do you smell carrots?"

What type of insect can't remember the words to Christmas carols?
A hum bug

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

Why aren't Christmas trees good at knitting?
Because they keep dropping their needles.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L. (noel)

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
St. Nickel-less

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smell

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.

What do elves learn at school?
The elf-abet.

Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley

What is Santa's favorite state to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icycle

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

What Christmas carol did the wise men sing?
Oh Camel Ye Faithful.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas dinner?
Twerky

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
Because they keep dropping their needles.