Christmas Jokes

Q: What did the Christmas tree say when it could not solve the math problem?
A: I’m stumped.

Q: What does Jack Frost like about school?
A: Snow and tell.

Q: What did the octopus get for Christmas?
A: Four pairs of socks!

Q: Where does Santa Claus swim?
A: The North Pool

Q: What kind of money do they use at the north pole?
A: Cold, hard cash!

Q: What operating system do advent calendars use?
A: Windows 24.

Q: What game did the tornado get for Christmas?
A: Twister!

Q: Why did the eggnog go to school?
A: To get egg-u-cated!

Q: Where do cows pick out their Christmas presents?
A: In a cattle-og!

Q: Why don’t snowmen like carrot cake?
A: It tastes like boogers!

Q: What happened when the snowman got angry?
A: He had a meltdown!

Q: What did the ocean say when Santa flew over it?
A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: Why shouldn't you lend money to elves?
A: They're always short.

Knock, knock! Who’s there?
Snow who?
Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!

Q: What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed?
A: He started his own branch!

Q: How fast did the Grinch’s sleigh go?
A: Max speed!

Q: Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist?
A: He didn’t believe in himself!

Q: How does Frosty the Snowman get online?
A: He uses the winter-net!

Q: What was Santa’s favorite subject in school?
A: Chemis-tree

Q: Why is Santa so easy to track online?
A: Because he always accepts cookies!

Q: What do clams do for Christmas?
A: They shell-e-brate!

Q: What do you call a wreath of $100 bills?
A: Aretha Franklins!

Q: What should you do if your car breaks down on Christmas Eve?
A: Get a Mistle-tow

Q: How does a snow-woman break up with a snowman?
A: She gives him the cold shoulder.

Q: Why couldn’t the pony go Christmas caroling?
A: It was a little horse.

Q: Why did the Christmas cookie go to the doctor?
A: He felt crummy.

Q: What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story?
A: The Finch Who Stole Christmas

Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water!
(Joke courtesy of two-year-old Victor)

Q: What’s an elf’s favorite sport?
A: Miniature golf.

Q: What sings “White Christmas” then explodes?
A: Bang Crosby!

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…

Q: What kind of drink does Santa give to naughty girls and boys?
A: Coal-a!

Q: What did the farmer get for Christmas?
A: A cow-culator!

Q: What’s red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
A: Santa Claus in an elevator.

Q: What happened to the thief who stole an Advent calendar?
A: He got 25 days.

Q:When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
A: He was searching for some holiday spirit.

Q: What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
A: Ribbon Hood!

Q: Which dinosaur wrapped presents the fastest?
A: The veloci-wrapper!

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You follow the fresh prints!

Q: What do you call it when you pass down a Christmas turkey recipe?
A: Copy and basting!

Q: How does Santa keep his bathroom sparkling clean?
A: He uses Comet!

Q: What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jolly!

Q: What do doctors give gingerbread people when they sprain their ankles?
A: Candy canes!

Q: How do Angels greet each other?
A: Halo!

Q: Why do reindeer fly?
A: Because they can’t drive.

Q: What is a duck’s favorite Christmas show?
A: The Nut-quacker!

Q: What is a librarian's favorite Christmas song?
A: Silent Night!

Q: What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school?
A: Present!

Q: Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling crumby.

Q: Where do you buy a Christmas gift for your pig?
A: Hamazon!

Q: What happens to elves when they misbehave?
A: Santa gives them the sack!

Q: What do gingerbread men use to trim their fingernails?
A: Cookie cutters!

Q: What do you call an insect who sings Christmas carols?
A: A hum-bug!

Q: What has forty feet and sings?
A: Twenty Christmas carolers!

Q: What do you say when you give someone a lot of spices for Christmas?
A: Seasonings Greetings!

Q: What do you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
A: Welfy!

Q: How does the Tooth Fairy get to the North Pole?
A: She takes the Molar Express!

Q: Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down?
A: The Abominable Towman.

Q: What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
A: Grave-y!

Q: Why did Santa go to the Podiatrist?
A: Because he had mistletoe.

Q: What is Santa’s favorite kind of potato chip?
A: Crisp Pringles!

Q: What do you call a snowman with no arms or legs?
A: A snowball

Q: Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
A: Because it would say, “Baaaaahh humbug!”

Q: Why did the snowman turn yellow?
A: I don’t know, but ask the little dog over there.

Q: Why is a candy cane a good collector's item?
A: It's always in mint condition.

Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?
A: Chill-dren

Q: What is a vegan's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Soy to the World

Q: What comes at the end of the Christmas Season?
A: The letter "n"!

Q: What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread?
A: Loaf Actually.

Q: What does Santa eat for breakfast on Christmas Morning?
A: Mistle-toast.

Q: Where does Santa store his suit?
A: In his Claus-et.

Q: Do snow globes ever get scared?
A: No, just shaken up

Q: Why does The Grinch enjoy gardening?
A: He's got a green thumb.

Q: What do you call a blind reindeer?
A: ‘no eye deer

Q: What do fish sing during the holidays?
A: Christmas corals

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
A: Elephanta Claus.

Q: How do you know that Santa is good at karate?
A: Because he has a black belt.

Q: Why do Donner and Blitzen get to take so many coffee breaks?
A: Because they are Santa's star bucks!

Q: What's red, white, and green?
A: Santa Claus when he's airsick!

Q: Where does Santa always stay when he goes on any vacation?
A: At the ho-ho-ho-tel

Q: What does Santa do when the reindeer drive too fast?
A: He holds on for deer life.

Q: What did the elf get when he crossed a bell with a skunk?
A: Jingle smells.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Anna who?
Anna Partridge in a Pear Tree

Q: What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
A: Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Olive who?
Olive Christmastime, Don't You?

Q: How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
A: He refers to his calendeer (or he just nose).

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Dewey who?
Dewey how long it is until Santa gets here?

Q: What did the christmas tree do after his bank closed?
A: He started his own branch.

Q: What do grapes sing at Christmas?
A: 'Tis the season to be jelly.

Q: What is Santa's favorite kind of candy?
A: Jolly Ranchers

Q: How did the two rival Christmas trees get along?
A: They signed a peace tree-ty.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Show who?
Snow time to waste, it's almost Christmas!

Q: Why can't you get any spare change from Santa Claus?
A: Because he's St. Nickel-less

Q: What do you call an elf who's run away from the North Pole?
A: A rebel without a Claus

Q: What reindeer game to reindeer play at sleepovers?
A: Truth or Deer

Q: Why does Santa use GPS?
A: He doesn't want to be a lost Claus

Q: What did the big candle say to the little candles?
A: I'm going out tonight.

Q: Where do little trees go to become Christmas trees?
A: Elementree school

Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
A: Because he had no body to go with.

Q: What do you call someone who can't stop talking about last Christmas?
A: A Santa-mental

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
A: Abdominal snowman

Q: What does an elf work on after school?
A: His gnome-work

Q: Where do elves go to vote?
A: The North Poll

Q: What do the elves cook with in the kitchen?
A: U-tinsels

Q: What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
A: "Wait, there's myrrh!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite

Q: How does Santa remember all the fireplaces he has visited?
A: He keeps a log.

Q: What is the best Christmas gift for the person who already has everything?
A: A burglar alarm

Q: What laundry detergent does Santa Claus use?
A: Yule Tide

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A: Nothing, it was on the house.

Q: What is the Grinch's least favorite band?
A: The Who

Q: Why does Santa always enter a home through the chimney?
A: Because it soots him.

Q: Why don't crabs celebrate Christmas?
A: Because they're shelfish.

Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He has hooked on trees his whole life.

Q: What goes, "Oh, oh, oh"?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Brrrrr-itos.

Q: What do you call a reindeer who can't see?
A: No eyed deer

Q: What is Santa Claus's favorite track and field event?
A: North Pole vaulting

Q: Why are Santa's deer always wet?
A: Because they're rain-deer

Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen

Q: What do you call a bacon wrapped Christmas tree?
A: A pork-u-pine

Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. One might say he's an elf-made man.

Q: What do you call a scary looking reindeer?
A: A cari-boo

Q: What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo?
A: An eski-moo

Q: Why don't you ever see Santa in the hospital?
A: Because he has private elf-care.

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps

Q: How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas?
A: They use Santa-tizer.

Q: Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole?
A: No well.

Q: Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?
A: He was picking his nose.

Q: Why did Rudolph get in trouble for his report card?
A: Because he went down in history.

Q: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet.

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A: Nothing, it was on the house.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsel-itis

Q: What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
A: Fleece navidad

Q: What did one snowman say to the other?
A: "Do you smell carrots?"

Q: What type of insect can't remember the words to Christmas carols?
A: A hum bug

Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davidson

Q: Why aren't Christmas trees good at knitting?
A: Because they keep dropping their needles.

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: Rude-olph

Q: What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has no L. (noel)

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: St. Nickel-less

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
A: Jingle smell

Q: How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas turkey?
A: On the dark side.

Q: What do elves learn at school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: Who is Santa's favorite singer?
A: Elf-is Presley

Q: What is Santa's favorite state to deliver presents?
A: Idaho-ho-ho

Q: How do snowmen get around?
A: They ride an icycle

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even.

Q: What Christmas carol did the wise men sing?
A: Oh Camel Ye Faithful.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas dinner?
A: Twerky

Q: Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
A: Because they keep dropping their needles.